(4/13/2021)
One more puzzle. One more code. One more key. Sooner or later, I’ll figure it out. Hopefully sooner, but more than likely, the latter. Probably when the clock strikes midnight for the sixtieth or so time, if I’m lucky enough. Who knows? Regardless, there’s still a ways to go, so no rush.
The other day, I woke up in the middle of the morning, sweating. I couldn’t force myself back to sleep even though I’m not a morning person at all. The dream I had, left me with a strange feeling. I call it a dream and not a nightmare because it didn’t fill me with complete terror, nor did it seem like that was its purpose. No monsters, no death, no chasing, no falling. None of the more common themes you would experience in a nightmare. In fact, everything seemed to be the same. Ranging from myself to the world around me. It was my day-to-day life. For whatever reason, this bothered me the entire day. From the time I found myself awake, to when I finally closed my eyes late at night. It wasn’t until the next morning, when I awoke from dreams of complete surrealism, that I finally realized what was wrong. Unlike most dreams, I haven’t forgotten it yet. I don’t think I will anytime soon. The funny thing is, I don’t remember a single thing about the more ‘surreal’ series of dreams that I experienced the night after. On a random note, I slept through the storm that occurred overnight.
It’s a difficult path, but when it’s all said and done, I made the choice. I understand the consequences that come with it all. I understand that consequences come with every decision we make as humans, whether they’re severe or slight. With that being said, I also understand the consequence of inaction. In this case, the consequence of inaction is greater than what I’d face by taking a leap of faith. If I chose to stand still and do nothing, I’d be hurting myself of course, but not only that, I’d be affecting the lives of many people around me. I’d be affecting those who will come, after me. That’s a burden that I wouldn’t be able to live with. A burden I won’t live with. The pressure is there, without a doubt. I just can’t afford to give it a great deal of thought. Only the ‘here and there’. Ironically, I think about it all the time so that’s that. To be fair, I can’t remember the last time I actually didn’t do what I wasn’t supposed to. The last time I chose the ‘smarter’ route. The smarter route would’ve led to this never being written. Never even being a thought. So, maybe it’s a good thing that I’m hard-headed.
On a cold night in March, my father and I talked for hours. It wasn’t often that we did this. Not to say we didn’t talk, but the subject matter wasn’t typical. I won’t state what was said explicitly, because that’s between him and me, and will stay between us for as long as we live probably. I will say it touched me. There were things I learned that night that I never knew before, but will always be with me going forward. I almost felt guilty in a way. There were a lot of times during our conversation that instead of listening to what he was saying, I was thinking to myself, “Should I know this?”. It all felt very foreign. I’m sure he felt the same way.
In the snap of a finger, it was all over. I found myself back in that familiar, dark room. Flat across a soft surface, wondering what was in store for me once the birds sing again. I spoke to god before passing out, which is weird because I haven’t been inside of church doors for years now. I haven’t even read more than ten pages in the bible, if that. I believe in God for the most part but there are questions for everything. I’ve had too many personal experiences to believe in nothing, though. Experiences that didn’t make sense. That felt like more of me being given a chance, than just sheer luck. I don’t want to touch on religion or how I feel about religion too much though, simply because I just don’t feel like it. Eventually, everything finds its course. The world hasn’t stopped spinning yet and I haven’t stopped opening my eyes so there’s still work to do, priorities to set straight, and people to deal with. I will continue to move my legs toward the struggle, not because I want to, but because I have to.
If you knew what day was ahead of you, every single day, would you still get out of bed?